The Chronicles of Phil

Egad! I have received word from the reverend! Here's what I came across in my mail the other day, faithfully transcribed and totally unedited.


HELP!

Wow, this is a lot of work, and I've only gone ten miles! It took me awhile to find the beginning of the trail, but once I latched onto the smell of fresh college grads who want to prove something with their lives, I knew I had it. I was on my way.

The beginning of the trail was peaceful and serene, just as it had always been in my dreams. My first night was also peaceful, except for the stupid animals I drove away with my latest acousti-metal guitar stylings. Yes, I have indeed brought my guitar, but I find it also comes in handy as a hatchet, more so now that I've filed the edge down with the bit of stubble I've grown over the past few weeks. My dream of the deforestation of the Appalachian trail is at hand.

The food is alright, as far as charred chipmunk and drinking my own urine goes. Speaking of food, the other day I met my first fellow hikers! I came upon their camp while they were sleeping, so I took the opportunity to raid their camp. I had all their spam and jerky snacks in my bag, and was just gaining the trust of the family dog when they woke up. Well, in times of danger, we must improvise, so I beat them to death with their own pet. I call him dillinger, and between him and my trusty axe, I always have a weapon at hand.

Well, back to the grind. I hope to make 100 miles by the end of June. How is Ray? Has he left the house yet? Say hi to Dominic for me. I think he was trying to mentally communicate with me, but he was probably just being a weirdo stoner and making shit up. Is Tom still in San Fran, or has he moved somewhere else in an effort to evade any sort of post college responsibility? Send my best.

I'm totally gay,
Phil


Wow. I'm amazed. Only 10 miles and already he seems to be having an amazing trip. Stay tuned, space piggies!