It's about time I ripped one of these to shreds

I ran into this on a dirty joke website. I think it's about blowjobs. I've had shit like this forwarded to me too many times to count. This time, however, the thought of some sad, frigid little shrew taking the time to post this shit on a website made me want to respond.

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

Of course you're not obligated to suck cock. If you feel obligated to do it, you're probably snorkeling the wrong sausage. Either your boyfriend is a variation on the meathead weightlifter asshole theme, or he's so disgustingly void of personality that you don't really even want to get near his penis.


2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

I am always grateful when I get head. But if you weren't doing it, someone else would.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.

Perhaps, but when you're consistently denied something, after a while you get fixated on it. I'm convinced this is the only reason why anyone eats Peeps.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

Of course you don't HAVE to swallow. As I said earlier, you're not obligated to do anything. You can just lay there like a Mormon bride while I penetrate you with all the passion of a proctologist performing a colonoscopy.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

Again, you're probably blowing the wrong dude.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

Maybe sometimes I do want puke on my dick.

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

Do you mean during a blowjob or in general? I agree, the thought of someone's ass gas forcefully shot into my nostrils is one of the most unappetizing things I can think of (that's not to say I look down on those of us that enjoy it, ahem, Bob), it's just one of those things that's probably going to happen sooner or later, and it's really not that big of a deal. See my post "Hot Beer Farts" for more on this.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

Wait, wait, wait, who said I can't have sex during period week? It's really easy; you just stick it in like you normally do. In my experience, it's the ladies who have the biggest problem with fucking during menstruation. But then again I'm one of those dirty fucks who doesn't mind going down on a woman during period week. See that little thing that's sitting WAY up above the hole where all the blood and stuffs coming out? That's the clit, and that's where all the action is. There probably isn't even any blood on it because she cleaned herself off beforehand. Now lick it. That tastes good, doesn't it?

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls -if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

How bout I jerk off on your tits, you pill-popping harpy?

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

Are you blowing a total wuss or what?

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette,watch tv...ect.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

Oh shit, what do you want me to do? Cuddle? Talk to you? No you don't. You want me to wash your feet and lick your butthole clean. And that's okay. I want it too. But let's be honest about it.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

Hey honey, just because you do it doesn't mean you're good at it. Guys lie too.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

I don't think it's designed to taste good. Kind of like how girl juice probably wasn't designed to taste good either.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, ect....

Of course you wouldn't. That would make you as cool as my girlfriend.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

If you were good at it and didn't feel like a slut for doing it, you wouldn't mind me bragging about it.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

So a I'm guessing a morning rimjob is out of the question?