Cinco de Puerco

This last Friday, May the 5th, was the feast of Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo is an American holiday that centers around getting drunk from Hispanic-influenced alcoholic beverages and shitting all over the Mexican culture. There are a lot of misconceptions about the feast of Cinco de Mayo concerning its origin and meaning, so Von Puerco will take this opportunity to educate you, the teeming masses.

Many believe that Cinco de Mayo is Mexican Independence Day. This is a fallacy adhered to by elitist white assholes eager to spout significant dates from round the world in an attempt to further their dominant Aryan intellectual terrorism. Others believe it commemorates the defeat of the French by the Mexicans on May 5, 1862. This is a common but understandable mistake, as this event happens on the 5th of May and "Cinco de Mayo" is Spanish for "5th of May", but this is merely a coincidence.

Despite the obvious aforementioned implications, don't be fooled by this ethno-historical babble. Cinco de Mayo is a uniquely American holiday. Ancient texts dictate that Cinco de Mayo was established in 1972 by Frank Wisnieski, a sociology undergrad at San Diego State University class of '74. One day early in the spring semester, Frank was poring over the university's academic calender trying to decide which days to skip class so that he could stretch his Spring Break in Rosarito beyond the usual week to an unprecedented 13 days. He noticed that between the Monday and Friday surrounding Easter and the end of the semester in late May there were no officially-recognized holidays that would lend themselves to binge drinking for a cause. Frank made it his duty to find a day, official or otherwise, that would be a nationally recognized day of inebriation and belligerence after Easter but before finals.

It wasn't until Frank's journey to Rosarito that Spring Break that he finally found a day fitting for an impromptu holiday. On day 10 of his 13-day binge, Frank found himself passed out on a table in a low-rent taco shop. As he came to consciousness he found stuck to his face a plastic placemat. It seems the combination of salt, lime and cheap beer makes an excellent adhesive on the spot. After tearing the placemat and a patch of flesh from his face, Frank saw that this placemat was in fact a Spanish calender highlighting all the Mexican holidays for that year. There in bright red was the number 5. It fell on a Friday in the month of May, and was exactly 2 weeks before finals and the end of the semester. Next to the red 5 were the words "Batalla de Puebla" but at that point Frank could not be bothered with details, for he had found his holiday, Mexicans be damned.

And so before returning to the States to proclaim this nationally-observed day of alcoholism, Frank loaded his VW shaggin'-wagon with several cases of Cuervo and Tecate, a stack of sombreros and a few pinatas featuring the characters of Scooby Doo. Late in April, when the premonitory fears of finals began to gather among the students of SDSU, Frank began to distribute flyers proclaiming the newly-established feast of Cinco de Mayo. "Come one, come all!" the document proclaimed whilst it elicited images of beer bongs and wet t-shirt contests with a decidely Hispanic flair. And so, amidst watered-down margaritas, drunken white kids in semi-traditional Mexican garb, mariachi music and Spanish-influenced ravings a la Speedy Gonzales, the feast of Cinco de Mayo was born.

And now, over 3 decades since its genesis, Cinco de Mayo has become what every holiday aspires to be: a good excuse to get drunk. So it was written, so it has come to pass.