Egad! I have received word from the reverend! Here's what I came across in my mail the other day, faithfully transcribed and totally unedited.
HELP!
Wow, this is a lot of work, and I've only gone ten miles! It took me awhile to find the beginning of the trail, but once I latched onto the smell of fresh college grads who want to prove something with their lives, I knew I had it. I was on my way.
The beginning of the trail was peaceful and serene, just as it had always been in my dreams. My first night was also peaceful, except for the stupid animals I drove away with my latest acousti-metal guitar stylings. Yes, I have indeed brought my guitar, but I find it also comes in handy as a hatchet, more so now that I've filed the edge down with the bit of stubble I've grown over the past few weeks. My dream of the deforestation of the Appalachian trail is at hand.
The food is alright, as far as charred chipmunk and drinking my own urine goes. Speaking of food, the other day I met my first fellow hikers! I came upon their camp while they were sleeping, so I took the opportunity to raid their camp. I had all their spam and jerky snacks in my bag, and was just gaining the trust of the family dog when they woke up. Well, in times of danger, we must improvise, so I beat them to death with their own pet. I call him dillinger, and between him and my trusty axe, I always have a weapon at hand.
Well, back to the grind. I hope to make 100 miles by the end of June. How is Ray? Has he left the house yet? Say hi to Dominic for me. I think he was trying to mentally communicate with me, but he was probably just being a weirdo stoner and making shit up. Is Tom still in San Fran, or has he moved somewhere else in an effort to evade any sort of post college responsibility? Send my best.
I'm totally gay,
Phil
Wow. I'm amazed. Only 10 miles and already he seems to be having an amazing trip. Stay tuned, space piggies!
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Out of body or out of mind?
So today there was a watershed moment in my existance. I left my body or at least part of my mind did and I had control over "my"* movements including going through objects. While I was able to acieve this I decided to try to contact Ray. Well I may have and possibly saw out of his eyes as I saw him dial my phone number, put the phone to his ear then my phone rang. ESP or bullshit? I can't tell you what it was but I definitely experienced something. I'll try to be as detailed and I hope, as objective as possible.
I have been reading "Cosmic Trigger 1" by Robert Anton Wilson In which the topic of drug induced illumination and ESP are widely discussed. I am fully aware that after reading about this that I could have tricked myself into thinking I left my body. I gotta tell ya, I didn't think this up. I've never done or felt this.
It started with a gravity hit. Then I put in Samuel Barber's "Agnus Dei". I always feel something inexplicable (peace?) when I listen to this particular piece of music. I called Ray, and left a message for him to call me, listened to one version of the song then skipped to the choral version got on my couch, sat cross legged and closed my eyes. I got up and walked into the music room to tidy up figuring I wasn't going to hear from Ray anytime soon. As I got to my small hallway I stopped moving just as the choir peaked and just stood there immobile for a while and saw and felt light, both in weight and feeling its presence around me. Then "I" started to move unhindered around Me, through walls, the whole deal. "I" didn't percieve anything the way I would with my 5 sences, and I remember distinctly that I could not smell anything until my experience was over. The only sounds I heard was the music in my living room and it was obvious that I was still in contact with "I". The "I" experienced things as a visual signal but nothing like normal sight. It was more warm energy than sight. I can describe the way "I" saw as translucent light, like looking at information traveling through fiber optics with out the fibers. Seeing without the use of my eyes. Everything I would normally see was there but there were flashes of images going by that seemed translucent like luminous watercolors. (damn, the rest of the post got deleted at this point so I'm re typing now, damn spacetime...) "I" assumed that these were other conversations or entities passing by as they looked like what "I" was experiencing.
I decided "I" had to try to contact Ray. "I" went up, it was that easy. Just go there. I went up through the attic, looked at my car a bit and then went over the alleyway at a height of about 25 feet or so. "I" got to Ray's went in through his celing and looked at him while just to the left side of his monitor. "I" decided to see if I could inhabit the same space as Ray and I moved over and saw through his eyes. He was playing warcraft with his character Aylcebiedes (SP?) on a green and blue level (it turns out his charachter was underwater) and "I" concentrated on getting Ray to call me. So now "I" was looking out of Ray's eyes and he got up to walk to the phone. "I" left his space briefly and returned when he picked up the phone. "I" saw him dial my phone number in great detail then he put the phone to his left ear and voila, my phone rang. "I" snapped back to my body and I simply answered the phone "Ray?" even though I knew that he was the one calling. I told him about "my" experience and everything "I" saw him do checked out.
There were lingering effects for a while after the experience. Later on Ray came over to pick up his drumset. I noticed that not only did I not need to look at the drum as I manuvered it precicely through my narrow hallway but that the drum felt lighter. After getting all the drums loaded we agreed that it was time for a smoke. I quickly thought about Kate at a sunset (I'll try to confirm if that was where she was) and then my phone rang. "This is Kate," I said". It was and I was not expecting her to call at all.
I don't know what it was that I experienced. I am skeptical, but like I said I have never done or experienced this before. It was too real an experience for me to simply discount. Answers are out of my grasp. Will they ever be within reach?
* In an attempt to describe this event I noticed that I would have to have a way to define the physical me that is consious goes to work and poops and stuff as well as the non-physical "me" that appears to be able to travel with light. For what it is worth both me and "me" were in contact the whole time even though the physical me was unable to move. They were in contact but they were also independant of each other. People have defined what I described as "me" as a soul for millennia. I make no such assumptions. I don't think I can ever again.
I have been reading "Cosmic Trigger 1" by Robert Anton Wilson In which the topic of drug induced illumination and ESP are widely discussed. I am fully aware that after reading about this that I could have tricked myself into thinking I left my body. I gotta tell ya, I didn't think this up. I've never done or felt this.
It started with a gravity hit. Then I put in Samuel Barber's "Agnus Dei". I always feel something inexplicable (peace?) when I listen to this particular piece of music. I called Ray, and left a message for him to call me, listened to one version of the song then skipped to the choral version got on my couch, sat cross legged and closed my eyes. I got up and walked into the music room to tidy up figuring I wasn't going to hear from Ray anytime soon. As I got to my small hallway I stopped moving just as the choir peaked and just stood there immobile for a while and saw and felt light, both in weight and feeling its presence around me. Then "I" started to move unhindered around Me, through walls, the whole deal. "I" didn't percieve anything the way I would with my 5 sences, and I remember distinctly that I could not smell anything until my experience was over. The only sounds I heard was the music in my living room and it was obvious that I was still in contact with "I". The "I" experienced things as a visual signal but nothing like normal sight. It was more warm energy than sight. I can describe the way "I" saw as translucent light, like looking at information traveling through fiber optics with out the fibers. Seeing without the use of my eyes. Everything I would normally see was there but there were flashes of images going by that seemed translucent like luminous watercolors. (damn, the rest of the post got deleted at this point so I'm re typing now, damn spacetime...) "I" assumed that these were other conversations or entities passing by as they looked like what "I" was experiencing.
I decided "I" had to try to contact Ray. "I" went up, it was that easy. Just go there. I went up through the attic, looked at my car a bit and then went over the alleyway at a height of about 25 feet or so. "I" got to Ray's went in through his celing and looked at him while just to the left side of his monitor. "I" decided to see if I could inhabit the same space as Ray and I moved over and saw through his eyes. He was playing warcraft with his character Aylcebiedes (SP?) on a green and blue level (it turns out his charachter was underwater) and "I" concentrated on getting Ray to call me. So now "I" was looking out of Ray's eyes and he got up to walk to the phone. "I" left his space briefly and returned when he picked up the phone. "I" saw him dial my phone number in great detail then he put the phone to his left ear and voila, my phone rang. "I" snapped back to my body and I simply answered the phone "Ray?" even though I knew that he was the one calling. I told him about "my" experience and everything "I" saw him do checked out.
There were lingering effects for a while after the experience. Later on Ray came over to pick up his drumset. I noticed that not only did I not need to look at the drum as I manuvered it precicely through my narrow hallway but that the drum felt lighter. After getting all the drums loaded we agreed that it was time for a smoke. I quickly thought about Kate at a sunset (I'll try to confirm if that was where she was) and then my phone rang. "This is Kate," I said". It was and I was not expecting her to call at all.
I don't know what it was that I experienced. I am skeptical, but like I said I have never done or experienced this before. It was too real an experience for me to simply discount. Answers are out of my grasp. Will they ever be within reach?
* In an attempt to describe this event I noticed that I would have to have a way to define the physical me that is consious goes to work and poops and stuff as well as the non-physical "me" that appears to be able to travel with light. For what it is worth both me and "me" were in contact the whole time even though the physical me was unable to move. They were in contact but they were also independant of each other. People have defined what I described as "me" as a soul for millennia. I make no such assumptions. I don't think I can ever again.
Say I want a revolution
Sometimes I couldn't help but think that maybe most people liked things the way they were. They didn't mind the arrangement. What else could account for things being the way they were? If enough people were of the same opinion that life basically sucked for most people most of the time, why didn't we talk about it that way at parties? At work? At school?
Jesus, why the fuck are rebels so hot? Because they're alpha, that's why! They weren't born into wealth, but the doesn't stop them from aspiring to the uppermost echelons of the human socio-economic hierarchy. The nerve!
Jesus, why the fuck are rebels so hot? Because they're alpha, that's why! They weren't born into wealth, but the doesn't stop them from aspiring to the uppermost echelons of the human socio-economic hierarchy. The nerve!
Spitting on chicks during sex and the sacred feminine
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Thursday, May 18, 2006
A couple of ideas that need to be shot down
Hello there fellow porkers. After my sudden departure from my last place of employment (See "My Bosses Leave Town For a Week") I indicated that I intended to find a new job deep within the crusty bosom of a large, faceless corporation, eschewing the outright slavery that one is almost always subjugated to when working in a ma and pa shop for the glories of employee break rooms, downtown office buildings, and vending machines. Since I no longer have to spend my workday trying to appease a megalomaniacal CPA cum gym bitch or his fake-titted, thrice-married golddigger of a wife, I've had the excess brain power to turd out the following idears:
Captain Cochon's Piggyland!
How about a wonderful new theme park dedicated to all that is pig? Can you imagine what the attractions at this place would be like? Holy shit. Feel free to throw out some ideas in the comments section. And I know what you're thinking. This is basically what Las Vegas already is. Which leads me to...
The First Annual International Drunken Pig Convention
Of course Vegas is the perfect place for the First Annual International Drunken Pig Convention. I was thinking sometime in February. Anyone game? I'll make T-shirts...
Captain Cochon's Piggyland!
How about a wonderful new theme park dedicated to all that is pig? Can you imagine what the attractions at this place would be like? Holy shit. Feel free to throw out some ideas in the comments section. And I know what you're thinking. This is basically what Las Vegas already is. Which leads me to...
The First Annual International Drunken Pig Convention
Of course Vegas is the perfect place for the First Annual International Drunken Pig Convention. I was thinking sometime in February. Anyone game? I'll make T-shirts...
Monday, May 08, 2006
Cinco de Puerco
This last Friday, May the 5th, was the feast of Cinco de Mayo. Cinco de Mayo is an American holiday that centers around getting drunk from Hispanic-influenced alcoholic beverages and shitting all over the Mexican culture. There are a lot of misconceptions about the feast of Cinco de Mayo concerning its origin and meaning, so Von Puerco will take this opportunity to educate you, the teeming masses.
Many believe that Cinco de Mayo is Mexican Independence Day. This is a fallacy adhered to by elitist white assholes eager to spout significant dates from round the world in an attempt to further their dominant Aryan intellectual terrorism. Others believe it commemorates the defeat of the French by the Mexicans on May 5, 1862. This is a common but understandable mistake, as this event happens on the 5th of May and "Cinco de Mayo" is Spanish for "5th of May", but this is merely a coincidence.
Despite the obvious aforementioned implications, don't be fooled by this ethno-historical babble. Cinco de Mayo is a uniquely American holiday. Ancient texts dictate that Cinco de Mayo was established in 1972 by Frank Wisnieski, a sociology undergrad at San Diego State University class of '74. One day early in the spring semester, Frank was poring over the university's academic calender trying to decide which days to skip class so that he could stretch his Spring Break in Rosarito beyond the usual week to an unprecedented 13 days. He noticed that between the Monday and Friday surrounding Easter and the end of the semester in late May there were no officially-recognized holidays that would lend themselves to binge drinking for a cause. Frank made it his duty to find a day, official or otherwise, that would be a nationally recognized day of inebriation and belligerence after Easter but before finals.
It wasn't until Frank's journey to Rosarito that Spring Break that he finally found a day fitting for an impromptu holiday. On day 10 of his 13-day binge, Frank found himself passed out on a table in a low-rent taco shop. As he came to consciousness he found stuck to his face a plastic placemat. It seems the combination of salt, lime and cheap beer makes an excellent adhesive on the spot. After tearing the placemat and a patch of flesh from his face, Frank saw that this placemat was in fact a Spanish calender highlighting all the Mexican holidays for that year. There in bright red was the number 5. It fell on a Friday in the month of May, and was exactly 2 weeks before finals and the end of the semester. Next to the red 5 were the words "Batalla de Puebla" but at that point Frank could not be bothered with details, for he had found his holiday, Mexicans be damned.
And so before returning to the States to proclaim this nationally-observed day of alcoholism, Frank loaded his VW shaggin'-wagon with several cases of Cuervo and Tecate, a stack of sombreros and a few pinatas featuring the characters of Scooby Doo. Late in April, when the premonitory fears of finals began to gather among the students of SDSU, Frank began to distribute flyers proclaiming the newly-established feast of Cinco de Mayo. "Come one, come all!" the document proclaimed whilst it elicited images of beer bongs and wet t-shirt contests with a decidely Hispanic flair. And so, amidst watered-down margaritas, drunken white kids in semi-traditional Mexican garb, mariachi music and Spanish-influenced ravings a la Speedy Gonzales, the feast of Cinco de Mayo was born.
And now, over 3 decades since its genesis, Cinco de Mayo has become what every holiday aspires to be: a good excuse to get drunk. So it was written, so it has come to pass.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
It's about time I ripped one of these to shreds
I ran into this on a dirty joke website. I think it's about blowjobs. I've had shit like this forwarded to me too many times to count. This time, however, the thought of some sad, frigid little shrew taking the time to post this shit on a website made me want to respond.
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
Of course you're not obligated to suck cock. If you feel obligated to do it, you're probably snorkeling the wrong sausage. Either your boyfriend is a variation on the meathead weightlifter asshole theme, or he's so disgustingly void of personality that you don't really even want to get near his penis.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
I am always grateful when I get head. But if you weren't doing it, someone else would.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
Perhaps, but when you're consistently denied something, after a while you get fixated on it. I'm convinced this is the only reason why anyone eats Peeps.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
Of course you don't HAVE to swallow. As I said earlier, you're not obligated to do anything. You can just lay there like a Mormon bride while I penetrate you with all the passion of a proctologist performing a colonoscopy.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
Again, you're probably blowing the wrong dude.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
Maybe sometimes I do want puke on my dick.
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
Do you mean during a blowjob or in general? I agree, the thought of someone's ass gas forcefully shot into my nostrils is one of the most unappetizing things I can think of (that's not to say I look down on those of us that enjoy it, ahem, Bob), it's just one of those things that's probably going to happen sooner or later, and it's really not that big of a deal. See my post "Hot Beer Farts" for more on this.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
Wait, wait, wait, who said I can't have sex during period week? It's really easy; you just stick it in like you normally do. In my experience, it's the ladies who have the biggest problem with fucking during menstruation. But then again I'm one of those dirty fucks who doesn't mind going down on a woman during period week. See that little thing that's sitting WAY up above the hole where all the blood and stuffs coming out? That's the clit, and that's where all the action is. There probably isn't even any blood on it because she cleaned herself off beforehand. Now lick it. That tastes good, doesn't it?
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls -if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
How bout I jerk off on your tits, you pill-popping harpy?
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
Are you blowing a total wuss or what?
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette,watch tv...ect.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
Oh shit, what do you want me to do? Cuddle? Talk to you? No you don't. You want me to wash your feet and lick your butthole clean. And that's okay. I want it too. But let's be honest about it.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
Hey honey, just because you do it doesn't mean you're good at it. Guys lie too.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
I don't think it's designed to taste good. Kind of like how girl juice probably wasn't designed to taste good either.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, ect....
Of course you wouldn't. That would make you as cool as my girlfriend.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
If you were good at it and didn't feel like a slut for doing it, you wouldn't mind me bragging about it.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
So a I'm guessing a morning rimjob is out of the question?
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
Of course you're not obligated to suck cock. If you feel obligated to do it, you're probably snorkeling the wrong sausage. Either your boyfriend is a variation on the meathead weightlifter asshole theme, or he's so disgustingly void of personality that you don't really even want to get near his penis.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
I am always grateful when I get head. But if you weren't doing it, someone else would.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
Perhaps, but when you're consistently denied something, after a while you get fixated on it. I'm convinced this is the only reason why anyone eats Peeps.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
Of course you don't HAVE to swallow. As I said earlier, you're not obligated to do anything. You can just lay there like a Mormon bride while I penetrate you with all the passion of a proctologist performing a colonoscopy.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
Again, you're probably blowing the wrong dude.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
Maybe sometimes I do want puke on my dick.
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
Do you mean during a blowjob or in general? I agree, the thought of someone's ass gas forcefully shot into my nostrils is one of the most unappetizing things I can think of (that's not to say I look down on those of us that enjoy it, ahem, Bob), it's just one of those things that's probably going to happen sooner or later, and it's really not that big of a deal. See my post "Hot Beer Farts" for more on this.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
Wait, wait, wait, who said I can't have sex during period week? It's really easy; you just stick it in like you normally do. In my experience, it's the ladies who have the biggest problem with fucking during menstruation. But then again I'm one of those dirty fucks who doesn't mind going down on a woman during period week. See that little thing that's sitting WAY up above the hole where all the blood and stuffs coming out? That's the clit, and that's where all the action is. There probably isn't even any blood on it because she cleaned herself off beforehand. Now lick it. That tastes good, doesn't it?
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls -if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
How bout I jerk off on your tits, you pill-popping harpy?
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
Are you blowing a total wuss or what?
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette,watch tv...ect.... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
Oh shit, what do you want me to do? Cuddle? Talk to you? No you don't. You want me to wash your feet and lick your butthole clean. And that's okay. I want it too. But let's be honest about it.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
Hey honey, just because you do it doesn't mean you're good at it. Guys lie too.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
I don't think it's designed to taste good. Kind of like how girl juice probably wasn't designed to taste good either.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, ect....
Of course you wouldn't. That would make you as cool as my girlfriend.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
If you were good at it and didn't feel like a slut for doing it, you wouldn't mind me bragging about it.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
So a I'm guessing a morning rimjob is out of the question?
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Flea sucks.
I am a big chili peppers fan. Love em to death. But I just read that the new album was leaked to the internet, and here is Flea's response:
if you down load it now off one of these file sharing sites
you will be getting a pale imitation of the record
it will be of the poor sound quality of the technique they used to
get it on there
What the fuck? The chili peppers have songs on both napster and i-tunes, and both of those use file formats that are not as "comprehensive" as a cd recording.
Whatever.
As much as I love the music of the chili peppers, they are corporate whores, charging $39.99 for their "gold" fan club membership(not a member). They seem to make every effort to make money off their fans, including a box set of their new album that comes with a bunch of useless crap.
Flea has forgotten why we make music.
if you down load it now off one of these file sharing sites
you will be getting a pale imitation of the record
it will be of the poor sound quality of the technique they used to
get it on there
What the fuck? The chili peppers have songs on both napster and i-tunes, and both of those use file formats that are not as "comprehensive" as a cd recording.
Whatever.
As much as I love the music of the chili peppers, they are corporate whores, charging $39.99 for their "gold" fan club membership(not a member). They seem to make every effort to make money off their fans, including a box set of their new album that comes with a bunch of useless crap.
Flea has forgotten why we make music.
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