Von Puerco here, back from a brief hiatus of smoking tons of pot and finding things to be angry about. I've got a whole hatful of rants and I'm going to go on at length about each and everyone, even if it means absorbing all the bandwidth of this blog and forcing my co-contributers to defer their posts to myspace.
Low times in the world of Von Puerco. As often happens after a dozen or so unsatisfying rolls in the hay, I have lost yet another warm hole. This one was doomed from the beginning for sure, but I was disappointed that the sexual humilation levels were relatively low at the time of disbandment. I commend her for putting up with my piggery for so long, and as a tribute I will refer to her as Piglette in this post.
Piglette and I became acquainted via the World Wide Clusterfuck; I, an uninspired but extremely horny recent college grad, and she, a young and optimistic artsy-type female. I happened to catch Piglette at the tail end of her latest hetero relationship, and she was at that point where she'd been so exhausted by those maliciously endless break-up scream-fests that she wanted to sleep with someone else as a sort of "fuck you" to her recent ex. I, being an opportunist, was well aware of how advantageous this arrangement was and indeed went out of my way to facilitate the "fuck you". So our unholy coupling was consummated and continued for a couple of months without a problem.
After a while I came to notice that the gratification was becoming less and less instantaneous. I found I had to coerce Piglette for a good while before the wheels really got moving. I came to realize that the gravy train was about to run out, and I knew I had to plan an exit strategy that avoided any fallout or extraneous conversation about "the place I'm at right now.. how I'm feeling". The signs were clear, though: she had her fill of vengeance sex and slowly came to realize that I am a remorseless asshole on the neverending pursuit to satisfy my lurid primordial desires. That was all well and good, except that she seemed intent on preserving this illusion of "friendship" that was nonexistent as far as I was concerned. Honestly, I lost interest in her intellectually and emotionally the moment I saw her naked. I found the time that we were together and not getting busy nearly intolerable. So when the sex began to taper off you can imagine my indignation. Still, the 30% chance of sex was still enticing to me and I silently tolerated the situation.
Over time I saw less and less of Piglette, much to my delight, yet she was still insistent on maintaining contact and keeping this alleged "friendship" intact. She even went as far as to accompany me to a party, got flat drunk, and proceeded to tell me that she was going of her birth control and wouldn't be "active" for a while. Rest assured, friends, that was the last goddamn straw. I didn't call her, made no active attempt to contact her or acknowledge her existence for weeks.
She called me this last weekend and asked me to meet her for coffee. I figured and hoped this would be the "I can't see you anymore" confession, to which I would respond that I was only in it for the nookie and had no interest in the relationship otherwise. But no, I wasn't even given the dignity of being written off. Apparently this was the first installment of us hanging out as friends.. Like fucking hell. First I lamented the loss of $1.30 on crappy house coffee, then the loss of my time - a whopping 35 minutes on a Friday night. The whole point of showing up was that she would terminate the relationship and take the blame for it not working out, a few pleas for forgiveness, a little self-loathing... bada-bing bada-boom, it's done. Yet here I was, being barraged with boring personal accounts of the utmost frivolity. I slugged my crappy coffee with haste and excused myself. As I left the establishment she had a look on her face that seemed to acknowledge that I had decisively excised myself from her life for good. She looked a little relieved, and seeing that relief made me feel INCREDIBLY relieved. I think she knew what she was getting out of our relationship, which was nothing, and that I was destined to drop her as quickly as I picked her up. These are the ways of the pig. I have no control over it, nor can I feel guilty for things that are merely pig nature.
Fuck you. I'm a pig. Deal with it.
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