San Francisco Moment #4

Sometimes when I ride the N car in the mornings there's a guy on there with Down's syndrome. He's often interested in one of the ladies on the rain and will strike up a pleasant, boring conversation. One morning I saw him trying to talk to a young lady seated near one of the doors. Then a rough, really down on his luck Farmer John looking homeless guy sits down next to the girl. It's about all she can take. After a few seconds she gets up and hurries to the other side of the car. A beat goes by before the guy who was sitting next to her looks up and says to the homeless guy, "Jesus dude, take a bath!", then walks off to the other side of the train. The homeless guys mumbles a few disparaging, unintelligible remarks to himself and settles in for the ride. Another beat goes by and he notices the guy with Down's syndrome.

"You ever take an I.Q. test?" the homeless guy asks the guy with Down's syndrome.

"Shut up!" says the Down's syndrome guy. "I'll slap your mouth!" The homeless guy mutters a few more disparaging, unintelligle remarks, this time with a smile on his face. He gets off at the next stop, the guy with Down's syndrome one stop later.

I turn to the lady sitting next to me. "Man," I said, "That was something. I just watched that situation go from bad to worse." The lady looked at me. She nodded her head and smiled. She still had her headphones in.

Our gay cats

I've watched an interesting thing unravel for the past few months: my cats' burgeoning homosexuality. I never thought I'd be the proud father of two gay cats, but then again I never thought I'd one day hold degrees in music and French and work for a life insurance company.

I've left them no alternative. For better or worse, they're indoor cats. They only have each other. And Cutus... Cutus was clearly taken away from his mother too early. He also looks and acts like a runt: awkward, clumsy, badly proportioned, his face permanently plastered with a look that is equal parts vague fear and profound bewilderment.

One evening, Cutus began sucking on Army's mantits. It was unexpected and unnerving. The loud, incessant slurping sound was the most disturbing part of it. Once we got used to it, only the slurping continued to bother us. On a moral and ethical level it's still alright wth me, it just pisses me off when it's so loud it wakes me up out of a dead sleep.

An open letter to Taylor Rain and Lexington Steele

Hi guys,

You two are like, my favorite pornstars in the whole world. I was wondering if maybe you'd like to come and have sex at my next birthday party? I mean shit, I already got a drunken mobility scooter ride for my birthday this year- where the hell do I go from there? The only thing I can think of to top this year's celebration is a kickass house party feature a live performance by the porn industry's two brightest stars. Of course this wouldn't be a money-making venture on my part. It's just that you both seem to exemplify the good qualities about porn: your partners always seem to have a good time, you give believable performaces, and you push the sexual envelope. Perhaps in the future we'll see sex in movies as frequently as it happens in real life. In the meantime, keep making that great porn and remember: you have the power to make a young man's dreams come true.

Thank you,
Tom Amans