Fucking God

Within me is contained an entire spectrum of the human animal. What I mean by “entire spectrum” is, essentially, that which makes me human but without rigid borders. Specifically I am referring to masculine and feminine qualities. Obviously these are not concepts which are unknown; however, our societies have a tendency to bastardize such concepts until they become either meaningless or grossly misinterpreted. It is common to hear statements such as, “he’s getting in touch with his feminine side,” which generally means, on a colloquial level, “he’s acting like a pussy,” or “he’s acting like a fag.” Oddly enough, one rarely hears the utterance, “she’s getting in touch with her masculine side.” I wonder what this would mean in the colloquial sense mentioned above. “She’s being a dick,” or perhaps, “she’s a fucking pig?” Who knows? For now, I don’t care. My ultimate point is that I do not “get in touch with my feminine side.” I am already in touch with it. If I was not, I would be an incomplete human being. What I am suggesting is that I would like to become a vagina.

I have a dick. I enjoy it very much. It brings me trashcans full of pleasure which, of course, is why I want to use it to become a pussy. I don’t have one of those. I imagine they also facilitate intense pleasure. And I want both.

I have worked out a tentative process whereby, using my penis and my brain, I can become a vagina. Here’s how it works:

Step 1. Find a woman- preferably a woman who has an interest in becoming a penis.

Step 2. Take drugs. Lest someone automatically dismiss this process out of hand based entirely on this step, I would suggest that our minds are more malleable while under the influence of mind-altering substances. As such, certain suggestions which may violate our ordinary tendencies in thought are at least less likely to be automatically greeted with intellectual hostility while under the influence of some good shit.

Step 3. Create a setting.

Step 4. Ordinary foreplay. Because I like blowjobs, and women who aren’t lame like to get eaten out.

Step 5. Begin the sexual act.

Step 6. Sexual meditation.

Step 7. Success or failure.

Step 8. Repeat

Notes:

Step one is perhaps slightly less straightforward than it sounds. At the time of this writing, I have thus far suggested this proposal to one woman. Much to my chagrin, it was greeted less than favorably. If I remember her response correctly, it was along the lines of “that sounds stupid.” Suffice to say, if I ever find a woman willing to participate in this experiment with me, I might consider marrying her without hesitation.

Step two dictates the ingesting of mind-altering influences. I am highly dubious of the use of alcohol because one of its primary effects is that of “sloppy thinking.” Marijuana, on the other hand, seems as though it may be a likely candidate as it sometimes has a tendency to heighten physical sensations as well as the mental capacity to entertain new ideas. I do worry, however, that the effects of weed in this context might be very hit-and-miss. Cocaine will not suffice because where it heightens the senses and responses to physical stimuli; it can also amplify the ego and even lead to paranoia which would be quite deleterious as far as facilitating the experience. Heavy psychedelics I am not considering mostly because I’ve never tried them myself. I intend to correct that in the future. This brings us to ecstasy. This drug does truly seem like it was made for the experience. Its tendency to produce intense pleasure from physical contact as well as allowing the mind to maintain an honest discourse with the body suggests that its use in this experiment is almost necessary. But one must keep in mind that the use of drugs in this experiment is peripheral to the experience itself. If it works, its effects would be incalculably more fulfilling than any drug.

Step three demands the attention of the participants from a purely conscious standpoint. What I mean by this is that the setting should facilitate a relaxed sexual environment without getting in the way of the mind. A low lit room (candles), some soft music (preferably without lyrics), and a comfortable bed in an area relatively free from outside noise and distraction should suffice. The idea is to be relaxed in the setting without having one’s attention drawn to any particular aspect of it.

Step four is self-explanatory. Suffice to say, it should also facilitate sexual comfort and an overall enjoyment of and familiarity with your partner’s body. Just like it always should…

Step five simply suggests that the sexual act should commence once both participants are ready. It may be advisable to bring each other to orgasm, by whatever means necessary, in order to diminish the excitement and expectancy of coming.

Step six is sexual meditation. This is the hard part- especially since I’ve never done it. I imagine it should work something like tantra, but on a more “specific” level.

I suggest that the man should insert his penis into the vagina at different intervals of depth while hesitating for however long is necessary to attempt to actually feel his partner’s genitalia. For instance, with the penis completely removed from the vagina, place the head of the penis at the entrance of the vagina so that they are barely touching. Pause. Notice how the skin of the labiae feel against the glans. Next, insert the entire head into the vagina. Pause. Notice how the head of the penis feels at the entrance of the vagina. Continue inserting the penis into the vagina at whatever intervals of depth feel comfortable. Don’t forget to pause and catalogue your experience. Once you have attempted this process to your liking, begin the process again, but this time feel as the vagina. While all of this is going on, the woman should be doing basically the same thing. While the man is essentially dictating the pace, the woman should not be hesitant to suggest that he slow down if necessary.

There is no easy way to explain this; however, you know what your dick feels like when you insert it into some poon. Try to imagine what it’s like to be the poon. This is a bad analogy, but I can’t think of a better one: find a partner (it doesn’t have to be a female, but a male might punch you if you try this), create a small tunnel with your hand by curling your fingers into your palm and closing it with your thumb, have your partner slowly insert a finger into the tunnel (lube would help), notice how it feels. Now, change places with your partner and repeat the process. We are dealing with different body parts which produce different kinds of sensations. So we’re going to have to be very creative and liberal in our definition of “feel.” However, the way these body parts produce reactions to stimuli are similar to the way any body part does.

Moving on. Once you have completed this process to your satisfaction, fully insert the penis into the vagina and leave it there. Try to feel every aspect of the vagina encompassing your penis, from the base to the tip and all around.

At this point, the partners should change position to their liking, although I would suggest that the woman be on top. From there, she can dictate the pace of the same process. If both partners are in agreement that a change in position would be pleasurable, then a change in position is warranted.

Please keep in mind that while I am attempting to explain this process to my “scientific” satisfaction, I am fully aware that different people like different things. Whatever works for the people involved should not be ignored at the expense of my words. Also, do keep in mind that I am not trying to remove the pleasures of sex from the sexual process. Kissing, petting, fondling, and playing should not be ignored. Who says one can’t have fun while trying to find God?

Step seven is merely evaluation. Talk to your partner and try to explain what you felt. Did it work at all? Did you get a hint of what it’s like to take a cock in the cooter? Do you now wish you had a penis? Discuss, and be honest.

Step eight is self-explanatory. Even if it didn’t work, and you’re both beginning to think that this is a really stupid idea, fuck more. Do it again, but ignore this crap. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And then fuck again because someday you’ll be dead, and you won’t ever be able to do it again.