Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek was backstage talking to his 28 year-old son, who was trying to explain why he never finished anything he started. "Dad, dad," he said, "I think I'm just in love with existence. I like feeling the molecules that make up my body. All of the infinite forces in the universe... they came together to form the consciousness I call 'me'... and that consciousness is the greatest thing we have! Sentience! What are the odds it's ever going to happen again, that I'm going to happen again? My god... I learn a little music, I learn about art, I learn what I want to know and I move on because each new thing brings me another perspecive on what I know through my senses... and I'm telling you, the greatest thing I have, the greatest feeling I ever feel is when I close my eyes and just be, I close my eyes and feel the universe moving around me, in me, everywhere... The worst thing humans ever did was convince ourselves that we're 'separate' from everything else. God, that's so lonely. I guess I still get lonely sometimes, but I don't feel alone. It's that feeling... the awareness of everything around me, inside me, making up me, my thoughts, everything. That feeling of awareness is all I'll ever need, and I'll always have it!"

Alex sighed. He'd heard it before.

After he hung up the phone, he put a happy face on and began to walk back out onstage. The lights hurt his eyes. Then he remembered that it was Celebrity Jeopardy week, and his whole head began to hurt. The famous contestants that night included Neville Sinclair, a Broadway actor who'd recently had a minor role in a hit television sitcom.

Neville Sinclair annoyed Alex greatly. He was catty and over-the-top in a very obvious, stereotypically homosexual way, but his greatest crime was the obvious pleasure he felt whenever the crowd roared at one of his quips. Indeed, Mr. Sinclair was fully aware of but ignoring the fact that a Celebrity Jeopardy audience is an especially easy one. To begin with, it is far, far larger than all other Jeopardy audiences, and the average audience member's I.Q. is in indirect proportion to the size of the crowd. Additionally, the questions on Celebrity Jeopardy are even easier than Teen Challenge Jeopardy, so as not to make any rich actors feel stupid. Of course this is of no importance to most of the Celebrity Jeopardy audience, as they're only there to see a particular celebrity rather than enjoy the game, which for that entire week is little more than an advertisement for the participating celebrities' current projects.

All of that Alex could stomach. It was part of the job, it only happened once a year, and it brought in sponsors. Neville Sinclair, however, made Alex remember a feeling he'd had way back in high school whenever someone picked on him for the amusement of others. Alex didn't want to play straight man to Neville Sinclair's kooky, sarcastic queer, but play it he did, right up to the end of Double Jeopardy. When the buzzer signaled that only a minute remained Neville demanded Alex apologize for "being so mean". Again, the crowd roared with laughter.

At that moment, Alex imagined calmly stepping down from his podium, walking over to Sinclair, and slapping him hard across the face. He saw Sinclair crumple into a defeated heap and begin sobbing. After a moment Alex reached down and gently picked him up by his lapels. He then calmly explained to the still sobbing Neville, the silent studio audience, and all of the millions of viewers at home, that Jeopardy was his show, and that since Sinclair was Alex's guest, he should comport himself LIKE A FUCKING MAN.