Two things that I feel silly for being afraid of

1. People hearing me fart in the bathroom at work.

I really don't need to be afraid of this, but I am. I get so embarassed. I clench my cheeks and hope nothing squeaks out. Hopefully one of these days I'll work up the nerve to let a nice big froggy gurgler loose right when the boss is pissing in the urinal next to me.

2. Boogers in my nose.

What if someone saw me with a booger hanging out of my nose? I'd never be cool again. Oh wait, nobody thinks I'm cool anyways. Who the hell cares about a few bats in the belfry? Just scoop 'em out and go about your business.

The Fart Police

The Fart Police don't bust you for farting. They forcibly fart on people who richly deserve it. They'd have a lot of work to do here in San Fran.

There was the mother and her stupid kids on the train the other day. She kept screaming at them and they kept screaming back, fighting with each other and bumping into other people on the crowded N-Judah. That was a job for the fart police. I could see them getting on the train, handcuffing the woman and farting right into her nostrils. Her kids probably didn't deserve a full blast but they still would have gotten a little squirt.

I'd also like to see some of the obnoxious, angry homeless fuckheads around this town get farted on. Most homeless people are peaceful. Some are downright charming. I'm talking about the mean ones who yell at you when you don't give them money. I am trying to use my time on Earth to live and further the happiness of all mankind. Please do not hate me because I buy clothes from the thrift store slightly more often than you do. If you give me any shit, then splat! You're going to get beefed on.

It seems like there's a lot of angry black people here, far more so than down in SoCal. Of course there seems to be something mighty suspicious about the Oakland/SF disparity. It's hard not to imagine that some form of segregation is at work in the Yay Area. But I'm sorry Mr. Hustla, I am not "the man". I was not born here and I will not live out the rest of my life here. I am not the reason your life sucks. I am cool with people. If you give me a hard time, the Fart Police will find you and you will inhale shit air. At this point I feel like I should mention all of the white people who'd get farted on too; there's a lot of them. But the truth is I don't usually concentrate on black and white and red and brown and all of those other inaccurate melatonin-based labels. I only mention angry black folks because I'd never seen anything quite like it until I moved here. Witness my disillusionment.

The same goes for angry homos. I am not the jock who picked on you in high school. I absolutely do not give a shit about what you do with your cock or your pussy so please, leave me the fuck out of it. Or the Fart Police will come to your circuit party.

And last but certainly not least, I would unleash the Fart Police on any self-righteous asshole who thinks I'm a homophobic racist because I get annoyed by stupid people of every ethnicity, sexual orientation, and social class. So just to be a good sport, I'd also have them fart on the CEOs of every credit card company.

I play video games in my head with fucking mack trucks!

I was driving home from practice today, and was heading towards the freeway. As I chose my lane, I looked in the rear view mirror. Mack truck. I looked forward, and saw that if I took the left lane, and he the right, we would successfully fill up the turn lanes perfectly.

Look, I saw my opportunity and took it. I played tetris with the world.


I think this is just one more example I can give when I explain my "interstate 15" tattoo.